


the more i get to know you (the more i don't understand)

by NanaLatte



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Chronic Illness, Enemies to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Johnny is a saint, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 17:37:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14117469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NanaLatte/pseuds/NanaLatte
Summary: In a world where Yukhei can't accept himself, Jungwoo does





	the more i get to know you (the more i don't understand)

When Yukhei first walked through the huge doors of the SM building he was ecstatic; practically bouncing through the halls as a staff member led him to where his new home would be.

Though, as Yukhei neared the dorms his enthusiasm slowly started to wither away, only to be replaced by sharp pangs of nervousness.  Thoughts like: _ 'What if the other trainees don’t like me?’, ‘My Korean still needs improvement, what if they don’t understand me?’,  _ and _ ‘What if my roommate snores in his sleep!’  _ plagued his mind. 

Yukhei snapped out of his reverie when the staff member, whose name Yukhei couldn’t quite recall, put a hand on his shoulder and gave it a tight squeeze. Looking down at him, the staff member smiled reassuringly and announced that they had arrived at the dorm before urging the tall boy to go inside. Flashing the staff member a blinding smile, Yukhei took a deep breath to calm his raging heartbeat before turning the handle and taking the first step into his new life.

The first thing Yukhei noticed was that the dorm was a lot quieter than he expected.

The second thing Yukhei noticed was 14 pairs of eyes staring at him from within the kitchen.

Yukhei was stunned into silence as he observed two younger looking boys on the ground mid-tussle, while four other boys stood in a circle around them, frozen in place with their hands grabbing at the quariling boys’ shirts. There were a few more older guys sitting at the dinner table seemingly unbothered, except for one of them who had his cheeks stuffed with cereal and was unabashedly staring at Yukhei’s still frame with wide eyes. Yukhei also noted that there was another smaller boy under the table who averted his gaze once he noticed Yukhei’s eyes on him. A tall boy perched on the countertop holding an entire loaf of bread over his head cleared his throat nervously.

The sound seemed to flip a switch in everyone, all the boys unfreezing as if they were playing some impromptu game of Wax Museum. Everyone in the room slowly shuffled away from one another, none of them really looking Yukhei in the eye.

Still shocked, Yukhei gingerly closed the door behind him, contemplating if he should just turn around and make a run for it. But he’d worked too hard for this opportunity, so running away was absolutely not an option. The Chinese boy turned around to face his new roommates again, determined to make a good first impression.

“Uhm…” Yukhei started as he entered the room, his bags in tow. “Hi, my name is, uh.. My name is Y-yukhei,” he stumbled, unsure of what to say after witnessing something so absurd. Most of the boys paid no attention to him, some even leaving the room altogether with sour expressions on their faces. 

_ 'Well this is going great..’ _ Yukhei thought as he chewed the inside of his cheek, a nervous habit that he could never shake.

Just when Yukhei thought no one was going to even show him to his room, a slightly smaller boy with snow white hair stood up from the table and stuck his hand out for Yukhei to shake. “Hey, I’m Taeyong, it’s nice to meet you Yukhei,” the boy, Taeyong, said with a kind smile as they shook hands. “I’m sorry about the others, I swear they’re good guys, you just came at a really bad time,” Taeyong relayed with a sorry expression. Yukhei just shrugged, he couldn’t judge anyone he hadn’t even officially met, even if they were kind of rude.

“It’s alright,” Yukhei chuckled as he shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He noticed that the wide eyed boy sitting at the table was still staring him down with even more cereal shoved in his mouth. “So like, what was that all about anyways? If you don’t mind me asking,” Yukhei questioned while rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet awkwardly.

Taeyong grimaced and rans his slender fingers through his hair as he sighed, “Donghyuck ate Mark’s banana bread, so Mark thought it would be a good idea to start an all out war in the kitchen.” Yukhei noticed that Taeyong looked very tired when he talked, almost as if he hadn’t slept in days, and Yukhei couldn’t help but feel sorry for the man.

“Ah, I see,” Yukhei muttered, not really sure of what to say or do next. Luckily for him, Taeyong appeared to be some sort of mind reader and grabbed Yukhei’s arm, urging the tall boy to sit down at the table with him. Albeit the table was a little to low for Yukhei’s long legs, causing the top of his knees to dig painfully into the wood, but Yukhei decided he would just bear with it for now.

There were five other guys seated at the table, and Yukhei was thankful that they all seemed significantly less hostile than the few who had stormed out of the kitchen just moments prior. Taeyong settled into his seat before nudging Yukhei’s leg under the table, urging him to introduce himself to the others.

Shifting nervously, Yukhei forced out his best smile as he looked up at the others, “Hey, my name is Wong Yukhei, I’m 18 years old and I was born in China.” A sleepy looking boy at the end of the table perked up a little bit at the mention of the word ‘China’, nose twitching cutely as he looked at Yukhei.

The wide eyed cereal boy took a noisy bite of his food, drawing Yukhei's attention to him and away from the sleepy boy. “Yo, my name’s Yuta, I'm your hyung,” he mumbled out as he talked with his mouth full. Taeyong tisked disapprovingly by Yukhei’s side. 

“Everyone at this table right now is his hyung Yuta, and don’t talk with your mouth open you’ll choke… again,” Taeyong chastised. Yuta just rolled his eyes as he shoveled more cereal into his mouth.

Yukhei is then introduced to Taeil, Jaehyun, and Ten who are all very kind and welcoming; greeting him with bright smiles and kind words. Finally, it was time for the sleepy eyed boy to introduce himself, and Yukhei smiled when the man seemed to fidget under all the attention he was receiving.

“Uh, my name is Sicheng, b-but you can call me WinWin, I am from China as well,” Sicheng finished with a proud smile directed at Taeyong. Taeyong smiled back and nodded his head in approval. 

Yukhei looked back and forth between the two men, eyebrows scrunching in confusion at the exchange.

“My Korean is not that good. I have trouble saying what I want to say, so Taeyong-hyung helps me practice and lets me know if I’m saying things correctly,” Sicheng elaborated when he noticed Yukhei’s confused expression.

Yukhei’s mouth made an O shape, and he immediately understood Sicheng’s struggle with the language. “Do you prefer to speak to me like this? Korean is kind of stressful to be honest,” Yukhei questioned, addressing the elder in Chinese. Sicheng’s face lit up at the words being spoken in his mother tongue, and immediately started to babble excitedly to Yukhei in Mandarin.

From across the table Yuta, now finished with his cereal, let out a fond chuckle, stating that he hadn’t seen Sicheng this excited since he met Kun last year. Sicheng flushed at the Japanese man's words.

“Sicheng-hyung you’re so cute I might just die," Yukhei gushed, smiling wider as Sicheng turned an even deeper shade of red.

“Yah!” Yuta yelled suddenly, shocking Yukhei and causing him to bang his knee on the table painfully.  “Watch it kid or I might come over there and fight you.”

Yukhei just looked at the older man bewildered as Jaehyun chortled, muttering something about fools being in love.

\------

The rest of the day passed without a hitch.

Yukhei was introduced to Youngho, Dongyoung, and Kun who were very nice to him despite the earlier bread incident. Yukhei also meet most of the younger boys: Jeno, Jisung, Donghyuck, Renjun and Minhyung (who insisted on being called Mark). The younger boys had apologized to Yukhei about their behavior in the morning, but honestly Yukhei didn’t mind, they were all way too cute to get mad at. Plus, he had the feeling it would be a fun story to tell somewhere down the road.

Yukhei was warned that there were still more members from the dorm he had yet to meet, but that they wouldn’t be back until later that night due to a medical emergency. The mention of an emergency worried Yukhei, but Taeyong was quick to reassure him that everything was fine and that he should get some well needed rest. They had practice early tomorrow morning, and Taeyong wanted to make sure Yukhei was at his peak performance.

Bidding his roomates Kun and Ten goodnight, Yukhei settled into his bottom bunk and couldn’t help but wonder what his third roommate, Jungwoo, would be like. Hopefully he would be just as nice and welcoming as the others had been.

Yukhei fell asleep that night with a full heart and the excitement of the days to come, dreaming of bright lights and the city stars.

**\------**

The next morning Yukhei woke up earlier than all of his roommates, groaning internally when the time on his phone hauntingly read 5AM. Rubbing his eyes vigorously, Yukhei sat up and stretched, cracking his back in the process. He was mid-stretch when he noticed a lump in the previously vacant bed across from his. 

This bump, Yukhei realized as his eyes began to focus, was actually a person. A very pretty person at that. 

The boy had soft features, not a hard line to his body. His silver hair was fanned out on the bed underneath him, and it looked so soft and fluffy that Yukhei had to fight the urge to run his fingers through the silver strands. This new roommate was the textbook definition soft, and Yukhei swore that he could see a small pout on the sleeping boys lips. Yukhei vaguely thought about what it would feel like to have those lips on his, but stopped himself short. He shook his head quickly and forcefully, willing such disgusting thoughts away.

Trudging towards the showers Yukhei’s mind unwillingly wandered to the cute male several times, which made him groan in frustration. Turning the water to a colder temperature, Yukhei scrubbed his hair a little too hard as he tried get his brain to cooperate with him for once in his goddamn life. He was here strictly for business, to become an idol. There was absolutely no room for romantic feelings, especially between two trainees. Yukhei squeezed his eyes shut as he remembered his father's harsh words right before he had boarded his flight to Korea, _ 'Hopefully this will straighten you out, we don't need a disappointment for a son.’ _

Feeling a stinging sensation behind his eyes, Yukhei cut the water stream off violently, causing him to painfully knock his hand on the metal tap during the process. Hissing, Yukhei decided he was done with showering and dried himself off, putting on a pair of warm sweats and an old sweatshirt that smelled like home.

Yukhei padded down the hall towards the dark kitchen and was shocked to see a younger male he hadn't seen before sitting on the counter drinking milk straight out of the carton. The two boys made eye contact, and the younger slowly put down the carton of milk with slight apprehension. 

“Please don't tell Taeyong-hyung,” the boy said breathlessly with wide, pleading eyes which were puffy and rimmed with red. Yukhei wondered exactly how long this boy had been awake, but decided against asking since the younger male seemed so jittery. 

Yukhei raised his hands up in surrender and took a few steps into the kitchen, hoping to come off as harmless despite his looming 6’0” height. “Hey man, your secret is safe with me,” Yukhei offered, cracking a friendly grin at the boy who was still curled on the counter. The younger seemed to visibly relax at Yukhei’s words, and swiftly slid off the countertop. 

“Thank god,” the smaller boy huffed, “I thought I was done for.” Now on the ground, Yukhei observed that the younger was a lot smaller than him, and not just in height but overall build. At this revelation, something buried deep inside Yukhei began screaming at him to protect this boy at all costs, even despite the fact that they were total strangers. 

“Are you just gonna stand there and stare at me all day?” The small boy questioned with his back to Yukhei, placing the milk back into the refrigerator where it belonged. 

Realizing he was being creepy, Yukhei coughed and averted his gaze as the boy turned to face him with a blinding smile on his face. “Sorry,” Yukhei blurted out, “you're just.. really small.” 

As soon as the words came out of his mouth Yukhei froze in terror; the other boy looking just as shocked at the statement. Yukhei felt the blush creeping up his neck as he tried to croak out a strained apology, but was cut short at the sound of high pitched laughter. The younger had doubled over, his shoulders shaking as he tried to stifle the laughs escaping from in between his fingers..

Still giggling, the shorter stood up straight, wiping tears from the corners of his eyes. “Oh my god, that was too funny,” the boy said in between fits of giggles, “you should have seen your face.” Yukhei couldn't help but smile at the boys amusement, thinking that he would gladly embarrass himself every single day if it meant seeing him smile. 

“I’m Na Jaemin,” he beamed up at Yukhei, “I turn seventeen this year.” Filing the name into his brain, Yukhei smiled back at the younger and stuck out his hand.

“Nice to meet you Jaemin, my name’s Yukhei, I just turned eighteen,” the taller said, shaking hands with Jaemin. The younger stared at their joined hands in bewilderment as he looked up at Yukhei.

“Your hands are so big!!” Jaemin exclaimed, holding up their hands palm-to-palm just to measure the size difference. “I'm not small,” Jaemin concluded, “you're just a freaking giant! I bet you're taller than Youngho-hyung!” Yukhei feigned a hurt expression, drawing his hand back from the youngers grasp.

The rest of the morning was spent with Jaemin making fun of Yukhei’s height, and Yukhei made fun of Jaemin for being so small in return. 

As the sun began to rise other members slowly began trickling into the kitchen, and soon the room was filled with 17 very loud boys.

“Nana, please eat my rice, I don't want it but Taeil-hyung won't let me leave until it's gone,” a small Chinese boy named Chenle pouted, giving Jaemin his best puppy-dog eyes. 

“No way man,” Jaemin scoffed, standing up to clean his empty plates, “I don't need Taeil-hyung giving me the evil eye all day, eat it yourself.” Chenle deflated at the rejection, and Yukhei had to resist the urge to coo at the younger boy. 

Glancing around the table and seeing everyone busy among themselves, Yukhei leaned closer to the younger. “Hey,” Yukhei whispered in Chinese, “pass your rice to me under the table, we’ll switch bowls.” At his words, Chenle’s eyes lit up in joy, quickly swapping his full bowl with Yukhei’s empty one. 

“Thanks hyung,” Chenle smiled, trying to keep the obvious excitement out of his voice,“you're the best.” Flashing the younger a grin, Yukhei began the shovel the extra rice into his mouth quickly, hoping no one took notice of Chenle’s suddenly barren bowl. 

Yukhei was halfway through Chenle’s rice when the loud chatter in the room suddenly stopped. Confused by the sudden silence, Yukhei followed everyone's gaze to the kitchen door, where the beautiful boy from this morning stood. The boy no longer looked soft and fluffy now that he was awake, instead looking tired and annoyed by everyone's stares. 

Dongyoung was the first to break the stifling silence, getting up from his chair and wrapping an arm around the angry looking boy. “How are you feeling Jungwoo?” Dongyoung said, his voice holding a much softer tone compared to how he was scolding Donghyuck just seconds before. Jungwoo scowled at Dongyoungs words and shrugged off the arm around his shoulder. Dongyoung looked hurt for a fraction of a second before concealing it behind one of his signature smiles, “Hey, come on Zeus, let's get you something to eat yeah?” 

Dongyoung’s words only seemed to make Jungwoo angrier, the younger shooting the older male a deadly glare. “Stop babying me,” Jungwoo seethed, “I'm not some helpless child.” Dongyoung visibly flinched at the others sharp words, smile slipping from his face completely and being replaced with something ugly. From across the table, Yukhei could see Yuta clutching his spoon so tight his knuckles were turning white, the eyes of the Japanese man flashing with anger. The tension in the room was palpable, and Yukhei really didn't want to start off the day with another fight.

Swallowing around his last mouthful of rice, Yukhei slowly stood up, his chair making a deafening scraping sound across the floor. Yukhei could see Jeno give Renjun a panicked look, and Ten’s eyes seemed to flash with confusion at the whole situation. Yukhei cautiously made his way towards the pair who were still staring each other down, the anger practically radiating off the both of them.

“Hey, let's calm down for a second,” Yukhei reasoned, ignoring the sharp glare Jungwoo shot his way, “let's not start this day off with a fight. It's only 6am, and I'm sure everyone will feel better once they've eaten.” Dongyoung nodded his head in agreement, immediately relaxing his shoulders as he stepped out of his defensive stance. Jungwoo on the other hand did not seem to relax at all as he whipped his body around to face Yukhei head on, hands clenched at his side's as he practically shook with anger. Yukhei put his hands up in front of him defensively, eyes wide as the furious boy started to approach him.

“Who the hell are you?” Jungwoo snapped, stalking over to Yukhei with a violent expression on his face. Yukhei could see Youngho from the corner of his eye starting to stand up, hand braced on the table as if he was ready to jump into action the second things got ugly. “Who are you to tell me what to do?” Jungwoo seethed, his voice rising in volume with every word he said, “No one wants your stupid opinions, no one wants your help, no one wants you here!” Yukhei flinched as Jungwoo begins to full out yell at him. 

Someone from the table that sounds a lot like Taeyong lets out a stern “Jungwoo!” but the furious boy doesn't seem to hear the warning as he continues to scream in Yukhei’s face.

“I bet everyone here wishes that you hadn't shown up yesterday, because I sure as hell do. You came in here and messed everything up, sticking your nose into everyone's goddamn business like you have any right. You don't belong here, you aren't a part of our family. So do us all a favour and pack your bags and never come back here ever again!” Jungwoo full on yells, and Yukhei’s back hits the countertop as he feels his chest constricting in fear. 

_ 'Jungwoo is going to hit me, Jungwoo is going to hit me,' _ Yukhei thought, feeling his heart beating harshly against his ribcage.

“Jungwoo-hyung stop it!!!” Someone screeches, and Yukhei thinks the voice belongs to Jisung. Like before, Jungwoo either ignores the voice or doesn't hear it at all as he get dangerously close to Yukhei. 

“You're disgusting, just looking at you makes me sick. I don't know how the hell you even managed to get into SM,” Jungwoo glowered, “but you don't deserve to be here, so stay the fuck out of my business!!!” At those words Jungwoo brought his hand above his head as if he was going hit Yukhei across the head, and Yukhei let out a pathetic whimper as he prepared for the impact. Before Jungwoo even had the chance to bring his hand down, Yukhei heard a chair clatter to the ground and several people cursing aloud. In the blink of an eye, Youngho was wrapping his arms around Jungwoo, swiftly  dragging him away from Yukhei.

Jungwoo struggled against Youngho’s hold, and Jaehyun had to help him drag the thrashing male to his bedroom. Yukhei tried to regulate his breathing as Mark and Yuta herded all of the scared younger members out of the dorm and presumably to the practice room where it would be quieter. 

Someone touched Yukhei on the shoulder and the tall boy flinched away from the contact violently as his knees gave out from under him. Yukhei fell down to the ground bonelessly, ignoring the pain that shot through his tailbone at the impact. It was like he had tunnel vision, all he could hear were Jungwoo’s harsh words mixed with those of his own father, and it took everything within the Chinese male not to breakdown right there on the disgusting kitchen floor. Yukhei’s chest heaved, air not reaching his lungs fast enough as he began to hyperventilate much to his distress. 

Yukhei thought he was going to pass out.

Someone cupped Yukhei’s face, and the tall Chinese man didn't flinch away this time as he tried to control his breathing by focusing on who was in the room with him. Yukhei could see Dongyoung slouched against the wall adjacent to him, Ten saying something worriedly while handing him a water bottle. In the doorway Sicheng paced back and forth in a trance, biting his nails nervously. The elders actions made Yukhei feel dizzy and so he averted his gaze to his right where he saw Kun and Taeil crouched beside him. Kun had his palm resting on Yukhei’s cheek, while Taeil had a hold of one of Yukhei’s hands and was rubbing soothing circles to the skin.

Yukhei felt the panic slowly dissipate from his body and he groaned at the throbbing headache he had contracted. “Oh my god Yukhei, are you ok?” Kun asked in a frantic whisper, moving his hand to card through Yukheis hair. 

Yukhei felt really guilty for making his hyungs worried, so he mustered up a weak smile before nodding his head. “Are the younger ones alright?” Yukhei croaked out suddenly, eyes flashing with worry as he remembered Jisungs panicked scream. 

“Yeah they’ll be fine Yukhei,” Taeil reassured, “Taeyong went to go check on them right now.” 

The next few moments consisted of Dongyoung and Yukhei regaining their composure, as well as coaxing Sicheng to stop pacing like a mad man and sit down. 

As the group of six recuperated in the kitchen, Yukhei could hear faint arguing coming from down the hall, and he wondered if Youngho and Jaehyun would be all right in there. 

If Jungwoo would be alright. 

The thought of Jungwoo made Yukhei cringe as he recalled all the things that said boy had yelled at him just moments prior, and he firmly thought to himself that he didn't care if Jungwoo was alright. Even if the boys cries of pain and anguish that travelled through the dorms thin walls shook him to the core with sorrow.

Yukhei decided right then and there that he did not like Kim Jungwoo.

**\------**

The boys collapsed on the ground in a heap of sweaty limbs after practicing the same choreo for what felt like 24 grueling hours. 

Yukhei had been at SM for six months already, and he couldn't be happier. He had settled into the chaotic dynamic of idol life nicely, finding his own little niche amongst the youngest trainees in their dorm.

If you asked Yukhei if he got along with the other trainees he would say yes without hesitation. But he'd be lying. 

Yukhei and Jungwoo still hadn't actually talked in six months.

The incident seemed more like a blur in Yukhei’s mind, but the hurt that resulted was real and it stayed. This lingering hurt resulted in months of snide remarks, shifty glances, awkwardness and worst of all, complete silence.

To say Jungwoo was a lot quieter now would be an understatement. Ever since his outburst at Yukhei, Jungwoo hadn't really talked at all, which as much as he hated to admit it, concerned Yukhei deeply.

Over the course of six months Yukhei had become loud and obnoxious, a mood maker who lifted everyone's spirits even on the worst of days. All while Jungwoo had become quiet and reserved, only speaking when it was absolutely necessary.

The only people Jungwoo seemed to really talk to were Doyoung, Taeyong and Yuta, which made Yukhei kind of sad. It wasn't like Yukhei  _ wanted _ Jungwoo to talk to him in particular, but he'd like to see the older boy open up a bit, if not to him than the others.

After practice, Yukhei was ranting to Mark animatedly about why Sailor Moon was superior to Naruto as they trailed behind the rest of the trainees back to the dorm. Yukhei had just started to argue that Naruto was an irresponsible jerk who had no life and no chance at finding true love, when a soft snort of amusement sounded from behind the pair.

Yukhei turned around with a cheerful look on his face, expecting to see Jeno or Jisung looking up at him with those gleaming puppy dog eyes they reserved for their hyungs.

Instead, Yukhei was met face to face with a wide eyed Jungwoo, who looked down right terrified to say the least. 

Yukhei froze up completely, gaping like a fish at the scared looking boy in front of him. He hadn't even properly looked Jungwoo in the eye since that awful day, and he hated how his heart did some weird acrobatic routine when their eyes finally met.

Mark looked back and forth worriedly between his two hyungs who had been staring each other down for way longer than deemed appropriate. The Canadian boy was reasonably afraid that another fight was going to break out, and debated on what he should do if not anything.

Just as Mark seriously considered running to grab Youngho from the dorms incase things took a violent turn, Jungwoo swiftly turned on his heel and sprinted down the hallway back towards the practice room at full speed, not even looking back once.

Yukhei was stunned into silence. He was at a loss for words, which was a rare occurrence in itself. 

He felt someone tugging gently on his sweater sleeve, causing him to snap out of his daze. Yukhei glanced down to see the source of the tugging was Mark, who was giving the older a pointed look.

“Hyung, you need to talk to him.”

“It's not that easy, Mark.”

Sighing, Mark gave his noisy hyung a pat on the back, “Nothing is going to change unless you talk this out with him. It's been six months and you two are still walking on eggshells around each other, which isn't only affecting you, but everyone else too.”

The younger was right and Yukhei knew it, but it just seemed so hard to close this ocean wide gap he’d created between himself and Jungwoo.

Giving Yukhei one last look that practically yelled _ 'Do something about it’, _ Mark turned around and started walking towards the dorm, mumbling to himself about how Donghyuck had beat him to the shower and now he was going to have to shower in cold water.

Yukhei remained in the hallway, thinking about everything Mark had said to him. He was right, Yukhei needed to man up and confront Jungwoo head on. They needed to make amends, if not for themselves but the group. With a deep breath Yukhei set his sights on the practice room where he knew Jungwoo was hiding.

He stood in front of the opaque glass door, hesitating to open it knowing that this one potential conversation could make or break a friendship- a group.

Squeezing his eyes shut, Yukhei slowly turned the door handle, mentally preparing himself for what was to come.

_ ‘If not now, then when?’ _

**\------**

No amount of preparation could have prepared Yukhei for what he saw once he opened his eyes.

Sitting in the middle on the practice room floor was Jungwoo, with his head in his hands sobbing violently. The older didn't stop his cries or look up as Yukhei stood in the doorway dumbfounded, painfully unaware of the youngers presence. Yukhei also realized that the sobbing boy was not alone in the room, and could see Dongyoung rummaging through Jungwoo’s bag frantically, clearly looking for something. 

At the realization that there was someone else with Jungwoo, Yukhei slipped behind the wall out of sight, keeping his ear close to the open door. He could hear Jungwoo choking on his tears as he wailed; the sound was ugly and a twinge of pain shot through Yukheis heart at the noise. Yukhei heard Dongyoung sit on the floor, and listened as the elder tried to comfort Jungwoo.

“Come on Jungwoo, you gotta let me give you your medicine or things are going to get even worse,” Dongyoung tried, and Yukhei could hear Jungwoos sobs increase in volume.

“N-no, I don't want it.”

“You have to Zeus, c’mon.”

The two bickered back and forth for a few minutes until Jungwoo started letting out protesting wails followed by a loud thud. Yukhei realized Dongyoung must be forcing whatever medication Jungwoo had to take into the boys mouth. Worried by the sounds coming out of Jungwoos mouth, Yukhei peeked his head around the corner, heart panging with concern.

Dongyoung was straddling Jungwoo's waist, his back to the door and therefore, to Yukhei. The angle made it hard for Yukhei to really see anything, but judging by the way Jungwoo's flailing limbs suddenly went limp, Dongyoung had succeeded in delivering the medication. 

The room went eerily quiet, the sound of Jungwoo's heavy breathing the only filling the small room. 

“It's all my fault.” Jungwoo whispered, voice tainted by sorrow and pain.

“What do you mean Jungwoo?” Dongyoung questioned softly, carefully climbing off of the younger boy.

“It's all my fault,” Jungwoo whimpered this time. Yukhei had a clear view of Jungwoo now, the boy was staring at the ceiling, eyes glossed over and red rimmed. His bottom lip shivered with every shaky breath he took. 

Dongyoung looked at the broken boy with pity, grabbing his hand. “It's not your fault Jungwoo, you can't help It,” the elder whispered, rubbing soothing patterns on the back of Jungwoo's hand.

“Yes it is hyung,” Jungwoo whispered back solemnly, “It's no ones fault but my own.” 

Yukhei felt like crying, he had harboured such malicious feeling towards this boy for so long, and now seeing him so vulnerable made Yukheis heart shatter into a million pieces. Jungwoo wasn’t a monster. Jungwoo was just human.

“Don't say that Jungwoo,” Dongyoung pleaded, the corners of his eyes collecting the buildup of unshed tears, “It's not your fault things turned out like this, its not your fault that you're sick, we all still love you and we'll continue to love you no matter what.” Jungwoo’s breath hitched at the words, and more tears began to silently race their way down his cheeks. 

The crying boy turned his head towards the door as he tried to evade Dongyoungs intense stare, and his glassy eyes locked onto on Yukhei’s pained ones. Jungwoo didn't seem phased at all to see Yukhei standing there in the doorway, almost like he had expected him to be there in the first place. 

“Everyone but him,” Jungwoo trembled, never once breaking eye contact with Yukhei as he continued, “everyone loves me but him and it's all my fault.”

Yukhei couldn't believe what he was seeing, what he was hearing. _‘Jungwoo is sick,’_ Yukhei mentally panicked, _‘Jungwoo is sick and didn't tell us.’_ He felt like he couldn't breath, as if his whole world was crumbling around him. The watery smile Jungwoo gave him made Yukhei want to throw up right then and there, and his vision blurred at the mere sight of Jungwoos broken self. 

Dongyoung followed Jungwoo's line of vision and spotted Yukhei standing in the middle of the doorway with his hands shaking, tears spilling out of the corners of his eyes. Shocked, Dongyoung floundered for an explanation, an answer to all of this, but his mind was blank.

Under the heavy gaze of both Jungwoo and Dongyoung, Yukhei suddenly felt the intense need to get the fuck out of the room, to leave and never come back just like Jungwoo had said all those months ago. 

Snapping out of his paralyzed state, Yukhei stumbled backwards on shaking limbs before dashing down the hallway and out of the building altogether. 

He didn't look back, not even when he heard Dongyoung yelling his name. 

He didn't hear Jungwoo’s broken, “I'm sorry,” as he let his long legs carry him far away from the practice room. 

Far away from his friends. 

Far away from his past. 

Far away from himself.

Yukhei ran, and he didn't stop.

**\------**

Yukhei ran.

Yukhei ran so fast his legs burned as if they were on fire. His chest rose and fell irregularly with every step that he took, unable to provide himself with the oxygen he needed to keep going.

He didn't know where he was anymore, all he could hear was the blood thrumming loudly through his ears. The city lights blurred in his vision, and Yukhei propelled himself down the vacant street, going faster than he was before as he felt damp tears hitting his cheekbones. 

It was around 2am when Yukhei finally stopped running, collapsing in a gangly mess of sweat and tears on the sidewalk. He laid there for a while, wondering if he should even get up, if he'd be better off waiting here until the sweet release of death came for him. 

It was 3am when a black van pulled up beside a zoned out Yukhei, who was still lying on his back in the middle of the walkway. The Chinese boy vaguely thought that he was going to get kidnapped, and that if he really was to be kidnapped right now, he wouldn't even bother to fight back. 

The door on the drivers side opened and a man got out from behind the wheel, making his way towards Yukhei’s boneless body. Yukhei looked up at the man with a dazed expression, half expecting some old pervert to be standing there in front of him. But as the mysterious man came into view, Yukhei felt his tense body relax instantly as he spotted a familiar mop of brown hair. 

Jaehyun.

“Yukhei…” Jaehyun sighed in relief when he approached the younger, and all Yukhei could do in response was let out a helpless whine as his eyes began to sting with unshed tears yet again. 

The passenger side door opened, along with one of the back doors, and Yukhei watched as Taeil and Youngho clambered out of the vehicle behind Jaehyun. At the sight of his hyung’s worried faces, Yukhei snapped. An invisible dam within himself collapsing as the tears began to run freely down his face.

Yukhei hiccupped and he felt strong arms wrap tightly around his waist; Youngho’s familiar scent washing over him in comforting waves. Youngho's presence made Yukhei feel safe, and the younger clutched to his hyung’s shirt like he’d disappear if he let go.

“Shh, it's ok Yukhei, I'm here now, I've got you,” Johnny murmured while Taeil ran a hand through the Chinese boys hair. Yukhei melted at the sentiments, already starting to calm down in the presence of his hyungs.

Yukhei noticed Jaehyun standing nearby talking on the phone, and he didn’t have to hear the conversation to know that it was Taeyong on the other end of the call. The elder had a habit of not being able to sleep until every single person in their dorm had returned home safely and was tucked in bed, even if that meant staying up until the asscrack of dawn. 

“Can you walk?” Taeil asked softly, never removing his hand that remained in Yukhei’s hair. The younger boy shook his head and clung closer to Youngho as the wind began to pick up. Taeil shot the American man a worried look as Yukhei began to shiver; he wasn't dressed for the winter weather and they needed to get him inside as soon as possible. 

“Alright, I'm going to carry you, ok?” Youngho said in warning, smiling a bit at Yukheis curt nod of acknowledgement.

Trying not to jostle the younger too much, Youngho crouched in between Yukhei’s legs and uttered a soft ‘hold on tight’ before hoisting the younger into his arms. Yukhei clung to Johnny like an oversized koala, hiding his tear streaked face in the crook of the elders neck. 

Taeil helped Johnny open the door and get Yukhei into the middle seat, buckling the younger male in place before squishing into the backseat on either side of him. Yukhei found himself sandwiched between his eldest hyungs, but he didn't really mind the closeness, it actually made him feel protected and loved.

As Jaehyun slipped back into the driver's seat and started up the car, Yukhei felt his eyes slowly slipping shut, settling to rest his head against Taeil’s shoulder as he felt sleep creeping up on him. 

Yukhei suddenly bolted upright, startling both Youngho and Taeil as they looked at him in concern.

“Wait a minute,” Yukhei garbled, squinting at Jaehyun as he drove them back to the dorms. “Where did you get this car from?”

Yukhei was met with complete silence, but he pestered on, boring holes into the side of Jaehyun’s head.

“Did you fucking steal the company van?”

Taeil and Youngho shared a look and Jaehyun just cleared his throat awkwardly as he focused on the road ahead of him.

“What management doesn’t know won’t hurt ‘em” 

 

**\------**

When Yukhei woke up he realized instantly that he was not in his own room.

For starters this room didn't have any bunk beds in it, and the floor was unnaturally void of any dirty laundry or snack wrappers. 

Secondly it was way too quiet to be Yukhei’s room. His room was right beside the kitchen, and no matter what time it was there was almost always someone rummaging around in there.

Yukhei hoisted himself up into a sitting position, and groaned as his body screamed in protest at the action.

“Oh, you're awake now,” an unknown voice called out from across the room, causing Yukhei to yelp in surprise. Looking for the source of the mysterious voice, Yukheis eyes landed on a person sitting on the bed adjacent to his own. “Sorry,” the person giggled softly at Yukhei’s reaction, “I didn't mean to scare you.” 

Yukhei took a moment, allowing his eyes to adjust to the dark atmosphere, before realizing the soft voice belonged to his roomate Kun. Kun was a lot quieter than the other trainees, but Yukhei liked him a lot and found himself spending quiet afternoons lounging with the older boy, sometimes eating together in comfortable silence after a particularly stressful practice. 

“Hyung?” Yukhei croaked, “How long have I been asleep?” 

Kun got up from the bed he was sitting on and took a seat beside Yukhei, brushing the youngers tangled hair out of his eyes. “I think a day and a half?” Kun pondered, he hadn't been keeping track, and the dorms had been abuzz with nerves which made it hard to focus on anything. 

At the revelation Yukhei inhaled sharply through his teeth, dragging a hand down his face. Kun gazed at the younger sympathetically while he intertwined their hands, “The others have been worried sick you know?” Yukhei could only imagine how concerned the others were right now, but a small voice in the back of his head screamed at him repeating the phrase ‘ _ everyone but him _ ’ over and over again.  

Before Yukhei even had the chance to respond, the door to the room cracked open revealing an exhausted looking Taeyong.

“Is he awake now?” Taeyong questioned, eyes scanning wearily over Yukheis form.

“Yeah he is, he doesn't seem to be hurt or anything,” Kun responded flashing Taeyong a reassuring grin. “I'll leave you two alone for a bit, see you in a bit Yukhei,” the older Chinese boy said, standing up and exiting the room swiftly. 

Yukhei watched as Taeyong shuffled into the dark room, quietly shutting the door behind him with a click.

“You mind if I turn the lamp on? It's kind of hard to see in here.”

Yukhei shrugged in response, following the elders movements with his eyes. 

With the light on Taeyong looked even worse. His skin was paper white, almost translucent, and he had deep purple eyebags that bordered on black resting heavily beneath his eyes. Taeyong’s eyes themself were hazy and slightly unfocused, indicating just how exhausted the thin man really was. Yukhei tried to ignore the swollen red skin surrounding the mans bloodshot eyes, which gave away the fact he had been crying for a long period of time. Taeyong stared right back at Yukhei with the same analyzing gaze, and the younger flushed at the realization that he had been caught staring, averting his gaze to elsewhere in the room. 

“What happened Yukhei,” Taeyong said suddenly, breaking through the thick silence that had settled upon them like a warm blanket. It wasn't really a question, more of a statement, and Yukhei didn't know how to respond. Luckily he didn't have to as Taeyong continued, “Dongyoung has been so worried about you, he thinks all of this is somehow his fault and won't stop stress eating the mini marshmallows I hid under the vegetable drawer.”

Yukhei couldn't help but crack a small smile at Taeyong’s exasperated expression. The older boy always tried to hide his marshmallow stash from the others, but Dongyoung always managed to find them no matter how many times Taeyong hid them away.

“The kids don't want to sleep at night or in their own rooms because, ‘hyung is in pain and it's not right to leave him all alone’, and I've never seen Yuta so damn quiet in my whole life.” Taeyong ranted, his voice stern but eyes soft. Yukhei felt his stomach churn at the thought of his fellow trainees suffering because of him.

“I’m really sorry hyung,” Yukhei choked out, trying to keep the tears at bay, “I just- I freaked the fuck out and I didn't know what else to do.”

Normally Taeyong would chastise him for using such colourful language, but instead the elder just held his hand in his. “Why did you freak out Xuxi? I'm completely in the dark here. No one will tell me what happened that night, not even Jaehyun,” Taeyong pleaded, his eyes scanning Yukheis face for a sign as to what the hell was going on.

“I..” Yukhei stammered, not knowing how to tell the older what was going on, or if it was his place to tell at all. Taeyong held onto his hand a little tighter. 

“Jungwoo-hyung… Jungwoo-hyung is sick.”

Taeyongs eyes flashed with so many emotions all at once, and Yukhei couldn't pinpoint what the older man was actually feeling in this moment. Giving Yukheis hand a gentle squeeze, Taeyong sighed in distress.

“How did you find out?”

“I went to apologize to Jungwoo-hyung about, well, everything and... and I saw Jungwoo and Dongyoung-hyung together," Yukhei took a shaky breath as he recalled the painful memory. "I didn't mean to eavesdrop, I really didn’t! But suddenly Jungwoo-hyung was crying really hard. Dongyoung-hyung was there trying to force some sort of medication down his throat and I panicked. It was all so scary and I didn't know what to do,” Yukhei rambled. “So I did the only thing I know how to do, the only thing I'm really good at. I ran.”

Taeyongs eyes softened at the younger’s words, taking his free hand and rubbing it soothingly up and down the Chinese male’s side. “Yukhei, you know that's not true,” Taeyong murmured, “You're good at a lot of things.” Yukhei grunted in protest but kindly shut up at Taeyongs pointed look.

“You can rap, sing, _ and _ dance,” the elder listed off, never once breaking eye contact with Yukhei. “You can make anyone laugh no matter who they are. You know how to bring Sicheng out of his shell, you can make Jisung and Chenle eat their vegetables. You're the only person who can talk some sense into Yuta when he's angry, and you're the only person who can stop Donghyuck and Mark from doing something really dumb that might actually kill them.” 

Yukhei felt his heart expand pridefully at his hyungs words, but the nice feeling was short lived as he remembered an important someone.

“I can do all of those things, but I can't make Jungwoo-hyung like me,” Yukhei whispered solemnly up at Taeyong. The younger watched hurt flash across the older boys features and Taeyongs hand stilled its ministrations on Yukhei’s side.

With a wry smile Taeyong patted Yukhei on the chest, “That's something you guys need to talk that out among yourselves.” Yukhei looked up at the older with confusion written all over his face and Taeyong could do nothing but shake his head.

“Go on and get dressed, you have a room full of mother hens to reassure,” Taeyong announced, standing up from his position by Yukheis side. 

Yukhei chuckled at his hyungs comment.

“You're the only mother hen in this house hyung!” Yukhei yelped as he avoided being smacked in the face by a pillow.

“Watch it kid, or I'll put you on dish duty for a whole week,” Taeyong teased, sticking his tongue out at Yukhei like a little kid.

Taeyong turned to leave the room but was stopped by Yukhei grabbing his wrist. The older boy turned around giving Yukhei a questioning look as the younger boy just smiled up at him fondly.

“Hyung, please take care of yourself,” Yukhei muttered, a softness forming in his eyes. “I know you've been up for days because of me, now please go to sleep, I'm ok now,” Yukhei finished, releasing Taeyongs arm from his grip. 

The elder stood there for a moment before letting a small smile grace his face, “Alright Yukhei, I will.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

With a firm nod of his head Taeyong turned around and exited the room, leaving Yukhei all alone. As Yukhei got up from the bed, following his hyungs order to get dressed, he couldn't help but worry about the other trainees. He hoped they weren't too mad at him, and that they could forgive him for his stupidity. 

Though he would never admit it, Yukhei was worried about Jungwoo the most. He wondered if the medicine had worked or if the older was in any pain.

With a heavy sigh, Yukhei looked into the mirror and attempted to make himself look presentable, but the rooms dim lighting didn't help much. Deciding that this was as good as it was going to get, Yukhei headed for the bedroom door, clutching the cold metal knob tightly.

With little to no hesitation, Yukhei flung the door open and stepped out into the hallway. The lights were blinding, and Yukhei considered retreating back into the darkness he just came from. Forcing his legs to carry him towards the living room, Yukhei tried his best to cancel out the negative thoughts racing through his mind, instead opting to think about happy things: like ice cream and puppies (and Jungwoo).

As he neared the living area, Yukhei noted that it was oddly quiet. There was no talking or T.V. playing in the background like it usually was, and Yukhei seriously thought that the members might have left for dance practice already. 

Rounding the corner, Yukhei stepped foot inside of the living room and was mildly surprised to be met with 17 pairs of tired eyes (Yukhei made a mental note to scold Taeyong for not keeping his promise). The scene was comically similar to the one six months ago, and it reminded Yukhei of his very first encounter with these boys, causing a fond feeling to blossom in his chest at the memories. 

The first person to break the silence was Yuta, and Yukhei found himself tense up with fear. Yuta was known for his sharp tongue and short temper, and if Yukhei had pissed him off then it was game over. 

While Yukhei was busy planning his imaginary funeral, he didn't realize how close Yuta had gotten, and the Chinese male let out an embarrassing squeal of surprise as Yuta smothered him in a bone crushing hug. 

“Never do that again,” Yuta whispered, his voice uncharacteristically soft, and Yukhei couldn't help but melt in his hyungs arms.

“I won't,” Yukhei said, nestling his face in the Japanese man's neck, “I promise Yuta-hyung, I'll never do it again.” At the confession, Yukhei felt the older boy begin to shake in his arms, tiny droplets of water beginning to form a wet patch on the fabric of his t-shirt. 

Yukhei was surprised when he pulled back to see Yuta with tears running down his face. “Good you little shit,” Yuta warbled, “we were so worried, I thought you weren't going to come back to us.” 

Yukheis heart panged as he dragged Yuta in for another tight hug. He had heard the stories about Hansol, about how close he and the Japanese man were. But Hansol had left, much like Yukhei had. 

The only difference was, Hansol never came back. 

“I'm not going anywhere hyung,” Yukhei strained, his throat constricting with the effort of not crying, “I'll never leave you Yuta-hyung, you don't have to cry anymore. I'm here now.” 

Yuta let out a loud wail and Yukhei didn't know what else to do but hold him closer, tighter, stronger. A small pair of arms snaked their way around Yukheis waist from behind, and he glanced back to see Jeno burying his face in the fabric of Yukheis shirt. Then there was another pair of arms wrapping around them, then another, and another, until the whole group of trainees were in one huge group hug, most of them crying.

Yukhei looked around at his roommates, his friends, and felt his heart swell with affection as they stood there hugging and crying. A flash of silver caught Yukheis eye, and he glanced over to the couch. 

There sat Jungwoo, a soft smile on his face as the fluorescent lights in the room reflected off of his hair. They made eye contact immediately, Jungwoo not even trying to hide the fact that he'd been staring at Yukhei the whole time. Yukhei felt his heart beat a little faster as the older stared him down with apologetic eyes that practically screamed  _ ‘I'm sorry’ _ , and Yukhei really wished the older boy would just get up and join their massive group hug. 

Jungwoo seemed to scan Yukheis face for a while. For what exactly? Yukhei didn't really know. But after a moment of quiet deliberation, Jungwoo stood up, and as if reading Yukheis mind, wrapped his arms around his fellow members. 

Yukhei smiled at Jungwoo, and it wasn't one of those tight lipped or painfully fake smiles. No, this smile was 100% genuine, and Jungwoo's eyes softened at the mere sight of it. 

As the group hug began disperse, Sicheng complaining that the hug was ‘way too hot and gross’, everyone started to go off and do their own thing. The problem had been solved faster than Yukhei thought it would take, but the outcome was better than expected. 

Just as Yukhei was about to turn around and head to the kitchen, he felt a tentative hand on his shoulder causing him to halt his movements. Yukhei’s skin jolted as he realized the hand belonged to Jungwoo; who he hadn't made direct contact with since the day of the fight. The two boys just stared at each other for a while, completely unaware of the weird looks the others were giving them, and Yukhei scrambled for something to say.

Jungwoo beat him to it, giving Yukhei’s shoulder a squeeze before perching himself on the tips of his toes, using the taller boy as leverage. The older leaned in, positioning his mouth near the youngers ear, and Yukhei felt his face burn in embarrassment as Jungwoo’s soft breaths sent shivers down his spine. 

“We need to talk,” Jungwoo whispered in a low voice, lips softly brushing against the shell of Yukheis ear as he spoke. The words should have struck fear in Yukhei, but all he could focus on was the way Jungwoo was clutching at his shirt and how unabashedly  _ close  _ they were to each other right now. 

“Meet me in our room after dinner.”

And with that, Jungwoo pulled away from the younger and walked down the hall towards their room. The way he walked away so calmly made it seem as if he hadn't just made Yukhei a blushing mess, and the taller boy had to swiftly make an escape to the bathroom so no one would notice his flushed complexion.

Yukhei slid his back against the locked bathroom door until his butt hit the cold tile floor. Pulling his long legs up to his chest, Yukhei rested his head on his bony knees as he replayed the last few moments over and over in his mind. 

He had forgotten, after spending so much time apart, just how much he liked Jungwoo. And not in a friendly ‘no homo’ way. 

Thumping his head against the wooden door, Yukhei let out a groan of frustration at his own stupidity. _‘This is wrong, liking another boy is wrong’_ he thought, wrapping his arms tighter around his legs. 

_‘Plus,’_ Yukhei argued with himself, _‘you're supposed to hate him, what the fuck is wrong with you?’_ Getting up from the floor Yukhei splashed cold water on his face and fixed his hair in the mirror, deeming himself presentable enough to face his friends without raising suspicion. 

No one would know how Jungwoo made him feel. 

No one would know that when he dreamt of his future, it always included Jungwoo.

No one would know that it was Jungwoo’s name on his lips when the cold spray of water just wasn't doing the trick. 

No one would know Yukhei was gay, because he had been told his whole life that homosexuality is a sin, and no one would tell him otherwise.

\------                                                          

By dinner time everything was back to normal as if nothing had even happened. Jeno had helped Taeyong in making dinner and everyone praised younger boy on his efforts (even though they all knew Taeyong did most of the work). No one mentioned anything when Jungwoo sat down across from Yukhei at the table, and Yukhei sure as hell didn’t say anything about the way Jungwoo’s foot nudged against his own repetitively throughout the entirety of dinner. 

It almost seemed as if Jungwoo was making up for lost time, and Yukhei found himself incredibly confused at the elders actions, not quite understanding the sudden shift in attitude. Yukhei had to admit that it felt nice not having to avoid Jungwoo at all costs anymore, but the he still wanted answers.

Yukhei pondered over what he was going to say to Jungwoo while he cleaned the dishes with Renjun. What was Jungwoo going to say to him? Would it be good or bad? 

Renjun noticed his hyung spacing out and pinched him in the side, making Yukhei drop the plate he was rinsing. Yukhei stared at the plate offendedly (which was thankfully not broken) for a second, still dazed before receiving another sharp pinch to the side. Snapping his head towards Renjun, he noticed the young boy had a devilish grin on his face, snaggletooth peeking out as he stared at Yukhei knowingly. 

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Yukhei questioned, turning back to the dishes at hand, the sooner he finished this the sooner he could talk to Jungwoo. Renjun just snickered and turned back to his task of drying the clean dinnerware, shaking his head at his hyung.

“You’re so obvious,” Renjun teased in Chinese, keeping his voice low incase Jaemin or Donghyuck could hear them from their seats at the kitchen table. 

Yukhei shot the younger Chinese boy a puzzled look, not understanding where this was going. Renjun just snorted at Yukheis expression and elbowed the elder in the side, “you’ve been giving Jungwoo-hyung heart eyes all evening, it’s kinda gross.”

Yukhei froze, dropping the plate he was holding yet again. This time he wasn’t as fortunate and the plate fell to the ground with a shattering sound. Renjun seemed just as surprised at Yukhei’s reaction, staring at the broken porcelain with his jaw dropped. Jaemin and Donghyuck were staring at the mess on the ground wearily, knowing that Taeyong was going to beat Yukhei’s ass for breaking the dish. 

Once the initial shock wore off, Renjun broke out into a fit of giggles which he tried to his behind his hand.

“Oh my god,” Renjun gasped out in between fits of laughter, “you should have seen your face! I can’t.” The younger fell to the ground dramatically, practically rolling with laughter. The pair at the table just eyed their hyungs weirdly and decided it’d be best to ignore them altogether as they got up to leave.

“Yah!” Yukhei shouted as he regained the ability to speak, “get off the ground kid! You’re gonna roll on some shattered plate pieces and then you’ll have to go to the hospital or something.” At the mention of injury, Renjun sobered up quickly, scrambling to his feet to grab the broom and dustpan.

“Sorry hyung,” Renjun called out from across the room not sounding sorry at all, “I didn’t mean to startle you like that, honestly.” The younger returned with the required items and began sweeping up the mess Yukhei had made. Yukhei just stood there dumbly watching Renjun clean up the broken plate from the ground, before swooping down to look the younger in the eyes.

“How obvious is it?” Yukhei asked, voice stern and emotionless. Renjun stilled, his hyungs cold voice starling him. 

“Not very, Jungwoo-hyung is more obvious about it than you,” Renjun pondered, taking all the swept up pieces of porcelain to the trash can. 

“Wait,” Yukhei back tracked, “he looks at me too? With... what did you call it-”

“Heart eyes.”

“Yeah, heart eyes. He gives me heart eyes too?” 

Renjun turned to face Yukhei and gave him a look that said ‘are you for real right now?’ Yukhei’s face was serious, and the younger sighed at his oblivious hyung. 

“Yes you big loser,” Renjun stated, using his hands while he talked as if it would prove his point, “Jungwoo-hyung has been looking at you like you're some priceless work of art in a museum since the day you two met!” 

Yukhei shook his head in denial, “No that can't be right. You're mistaken. Jungwoo-hyung and I haven't talked since the argument, there's no way.” The younger Chinese boy put his hands on his hips and gave the older another unimpressed look.

“You two are both useless,” Renjun huffed under his breath before heading towards the living room. Yukhei squawked in protest.

“I cleaned up your mess, so you can do the rest of the dishes yourself,” the younger stated plainly at Yukheis betrayed expression. “Don't give me that look, be grateful I'm not telling Taeyong-hyung you broke his favourite plate,” Renjun teased, sticking his tongue out at the older.

“Oh, and Hyung?” Renjun called out over his shoulder, “talk to Jungwoo-hyung please, it's been long enough.” And with that, the younger boy waltzed out of the kitchen, leaving behind a speechless Yukhei. 

“That brat..” Yukhei muttered under his breath, turning back to the pile of dirty dishes in the sink. He still had a lot of work to do, and he didn't want to keep Jungwoo waiting. So Yukhei rolled up his sleeves and got to work, humming some foreign love song as his mind was filled with thoughts of a certain silver haired beauty.

**\------**

Yukhei finished the dishes in record time, throwing the dish towel haphazardly across the counter as he booked it to his bedroom. Yukhei didn't know why he was so excited, Renjun’s words had obviously gotten to his head, and the tall Chinese man tried to knock some rationality into his head.  _ ‘Jungwoo and I aren’t friends,’ _ Yukhei tried to convince himself,  _ ‘for all I know he could be plotting my murder.’ _

Bracing himself, Yukhei opened the door to his bedroom. The room was dimly lit and Jungwoo was perched on Yukhei’s bed with damp hair, scrolling through his phone. Yukhei tried his best to ignore how Jungwoo’s top dipped dangerously low, showing off his sharp collar bones and golden skin. 

Swallowing thickly, Yukhei made his way over to Jungwoo who had looked up from his cellphone.

“Hi,” Jungwoo greeted, indicating for Yukhei to take a seat beside him. “I didn’t know if you’d actually come,” Jungwoo laughed, the sad undertones of his voice not going unnoticed by Yukhei.

“This is my room too, so I’d have to come in here eventually. You can't get rid of me forever,” Yukhei tried to joke as he sat down, receiving a weak smile from Jungwoo in return.

Clearing his throat, Jungwoo turned his body so that he was facing Yukhei head on. His eyes were hard, and if it weren't for Jungwoo nervously ringing his hands together Yukhei would have thought the older was mad at him again.

“Im just going to cut to the chase,” Jungwoo started. “I’m really sorry for avoiding you for six months. I understand if you still hate me for how I’ve treated you. I didn’t mean any of the things I said to you at all, I was just so angry all of a sudden and if you didn’t stand up when you did I probably would have just blew up at Dongyoung-hyung instead.” Jungwoo paused to gage Yukhei’s reaction, and was relieved to see a small forgiving smile on the youngers face. 

“It’s ok hyung,” Yukhei said, tentatively placing a hand on Jungwoo’s knee for reassurance, “you don’t have to be sorry. I haven’t been mad at you for a long time to be honest. I had just gotten so used to ignoring you that I couldn’t figure out how to pick up all the broken pieces anymore.”

Jungwoo placed his hand atop of Yukhei’s larger one and looked up with shining eyes, “I’m really grateful that you’ve forgiven me Yukhei, I honestly don’t deserve your forgiveness,” Jungwoo whispered, cutting off Yukhei before he could protest, “but there’s something else I need to tell you.”

Yukhei stilled, squeezing Jungwoo’s knee anxiously as he looked at the older with scared eyes, “What is it hyung? Is it bad? Are you dying?”

Yukhei’s voice sounded strained, almost as if he was going to burst into tears at any given moment. Jungwoo quickly rushed to comfort the younger, grabbing hold of Yukhei’s hand and placing it in his own, intertwining their fingers as he held on for support. “No Xuxi, I'm not going to die anytime soon, I promise,” Jungwoo reassured while rubbing his thumb across Yukhei’s knuckles. “It’s just.. I know you overheard Dongyoung and I the other day, and you deserve to know what's been going on. And maybe, just maybe, if I come clean to you right now, it’ll help explain everything that has been happening over the past few months.”

Panic clouded Yukhei’s mind as he recalled the scene from the day before, and he couldn’t help but grip Jungwoo’s hand a little tighter in apprehension. 

“Hyung, please tell me what’s going on, I want to help you.”

Jungwoo sighed before looking up at Yukhei’s worried gaze.

“Yukhei, there’s no easy way to say this, but I was diagnosed with a chronic nervous system disorder the very same day you moved into the dorms. It was the absolute worst day of my life, finding out you have a chronic disorder isn’t exactly fun ya know? And it all became way too much for me to handle. I was sad, angry, hopeless... and I just couldn’t seem to control my emotions, so I lashed out.” 

Yukhei’s breathing audibly stopped, his eyes unfocusing as the reality of it all came crashing down around him. Jungwoo couldn’t bear to look at Yukhei’s pained expression anymore, so he shifted his gaze to their clasped hands as he continued. “It wasn’t easy. For months I couldn’t accept the fact that I was ill, that there wasn’t a cure for my condition. It was hard, so fucking hard to change the way I lived my life. And it hurt too.  It hurt not being able to push myself as hard as the rest of you guys. It was damn near unbearable to lie in bed all day hallucinating and throwing up while Taeyong-hyung held my hand through it all. It was so painful to lose the memories I was so fond of, to forget people’s names and faces temporarily... It hurt keeping this a secret from you and the others for so long.”

“Then why did you?” Yukhei questioned, his voice cracking pitifully. Jungwoo just held onto Yukhei tighter.

“I was scared, ashamed even,” Jungwoo admitted, “I didn’t want to be a burden to the team, I wanted everything to stay the same. But I fucked that up instantly didn’t I?” Jungwoo laughed soulessly as he stared Yukhei straight in the eyes, ignoring the pang of worry he felt when he saw the fresh tears streaming down the youngers face.

Before Jungwoo could even think of continuing he was immediately tackled by Yukhei’s larger body, his head  _ just  _ missing the headboard at the top of Yukhei’s bunk as he was pushed backwards and onto the soft bed. Jungwoo’s surprised yelp was muffled by Yukheis shoulder as the younger held Jungwoo in a frantic embrace. At the new but comforting scent of Yukhei, Jungwoo felt his eyes prick with unshed tears, his emotions that he kept hidden for so long finally breaking free from their jailed confine in his head.

Neither boy said anything for a while, Yukhei just breathing heavily with his arms encasing Jungwoo as the latter silently cried in the youngers arms. 

“Jungwoo-hyung,” Yukhei croaked, not letting go of the older boy just yet, “you are never a burden to us, we love you so much and we wouldn’t be the same without you. I can’t even keep count of the amount of times Chenle has talked about ‘his amazing Jungwoo-hyung,’ or how many times I’ve caught Ten smiling at you fondly from across the practice room."

“Your condition doesn’t define you," Yukhei shuddered, "It doesn’t make you the person you are today, it doesn't change who you are. And I’m so fucking sorry Jungwoo. I’m so sorry for treating you like shit and ignoring you for six whole months while you were in here suffering in silence.”

“Don’t be sorry, none of this is your fault Yukhei.”

“I don’t give a shit,” Yukhei stated firmly, lifting his head so he could look directly at Jungwoo, “I am and always will be sorry, and I promise from now on I’ll never ignore you ever again. I promise that I’ll keep you safe and that I’ll be by your side whenever you’re in pain, no matter what the circumstances are.”

Yukhei used his thumb to wipe away the stray tears falling from Jungwoo’s eyes, “You can tell me anything hyung. You don’t have to be alone anymore, I’m here now.”

At the declaration Jungwoo let out a strangled wail, burying his face in the soft fabric of Yukhei’s sweatshirt as sobs wracked his body. Yukhei just held onto the boy tighter while silently spilling tears of his own, trying to calm the older with soft words and tender touches.

Eventually Jungwoo stopped crying, tears and snot drying on Yukheis clothes, but the taller man could care less. All Yukhei cared about now was keeping Jungwoo safe, deciding that he would do whatever it takes to make Jungwoo happy once again.

Yukhei looked down at the boy in his arms, not at all surprised to see Jungwoo was sound asleep, the outburst taking a toll on the elders body. Soft snores and breathing were the only sounds filling the quiet room, and Yukhei began to feel his eyes slipping shut as Jungwoo nuzzled himself even closer to Yukhei. 

Somewhere in the back of Yukheis mind a voice that sounded a lot like his father informed him that this was wrong, that he shouldn't be cuddling with another man, and that the way his heart beat a little louder for Jungwoo was sinful. Yet Yukhei decided he didn't care if it was wrong or if it was sinful, he felt happy. 

Yukhei finally let sleep overtake him as he cradled Jungwoo in his arms, pressing their bodies closer and inhaling the comforting scent of elders strawberry shampoo mixed with something else that could only be described as purely Jungwoo. 

\------

When Kun walked in the room a couple of hours later to get ready for bed, it was needless to say he was shocked to see the two younger boys wrapped up in eachothers arms. Kun smiled to himself as he turned off Yukheis bedside lamp, tucking the two sleeping figures into bed so they wouldn't get cold through the night. 

Ten walked in shortly after, giving Kun a questioning gaze at the sight of Yukhei and Jungwoo cuddling. Kun just flashed the Thai boy a bright smile that said it all, and Ten tried to contain his laughter at the two boys who had finally made amends.

“It was about fucking time.” 

**\------**

Jungwoo had told the other trainees about his condition a few days after he had told Yukhei. Jungwoo clung onto Yukhei’s hand the whole time, and the Chinese boy found pride in the fact that Jungwoo could now come to him for support when he needed it. 

The confession had ended in many tears and _another_ group hug. Everyone had been so worried about Jungwoo the whole time, and they were more than relieved to know their precious Jungwoo wasn't deathly ill or anything. The rest of the trainees were so incredibly supportive of Jungwoo, and Yukhei felt his heart swell when Jungwoo looked at him later that night with nothing but hopefulness in his eyes.

For the next few weeks, Yukhei and Jungwoo were practically inseparable and the dramatic shift in behaviour didn't go unnoticed by the other trainees. 

The pair found themselves being teased constantly about their sudden change of heart, some trainees even going as far to say they looked like a couple in love (Dongyoung got hit in the face with a pillow for that one).

Yukhei didn't mind the comments or jokes at all. He was happier than ever with Jungwoo by his side, and he liked to think Jungwoo was happy by his side too. 

The two figured out they had a lot more in common than they thought, and over the course of a few months it was safe to say the Yukhei and Jungwoo were nothing short of best friends.

The two boys could often be found lying on Yukheis bed together, cuddling on the couch or making food with one another in the kitchen. Yukhei found himself touching Jungwoo more often than he did with the others, and that Jungwoo reciprocated these touches tenfold most often than not. It didn't spark any concern or suspicion in Yukhei though, he thought it was just their own way of making up for six months of lost friendship.

It all happened so fast. Mark once described that their relationship shift practically gave him whiplash. Yukhei just laughed at the younger, brushing off his questions about his newfound friendship in Jungwoo. 

There were good days with Jungwoo, and there were really bad days. On the good days Jungwoo and Yukhei would cuddle on the couch and watch anime together, or even head to the practice room to help one another out with some of the more difficult dance moves. Jungwoo would spend hours talking to everyone on those good days; smiling, laughing and making flirty jokes. Yukhei would try to ignore the burning feeling of jealousy in his chest whenever he saw Jungwoo flirting with others. He didn't understand why he was so jealous over Jungwoo, they were just friends after all and that was it. Yukhei would ultimately push his complicated feelings aside and force out the most convincing laugh he could muster, watching with critical eyes as Jungwoo blushed and flirted with Taeyong. 

Yukhei would endure it, because that's what a good friend would do, even if that meant pushing his own feelings aside. 

Despite the good days, not everything was all rainbows and butterflies. The world is not only filled with good but also bad, and boy, did Jungwoo have his fair share of bad days. 

On those days Jungwoo would refuse to get out of bed, refuse to eat or drink, sometimes even refusing to speak to anyone at all. Jungwoo would space out constantly and his emotions would be all over the place, causing him to lash out at the others for seemingly no reason at all. Even Taeil, the most patient person Yukhei had ever known, found it extremely difficult to handle Jungwoo at his worst. 

But, no matter how difficult Jungwoo was being, Yukhei stayed by his side. Yukhei was always there, because he knew the pain Jungwoo was enduring was much greater than the pain that filled his own heart.

Yukhei would lay in bed with Jungwoo in silence for hours, feeding the older man small bits of cereal and water so he wouldn't pass out. Sometimes Yukhei would even accompany Jungwoo to the doctors office for his monthly appointments, holding Jungwoo's hand the whole time because he knew that the older hated going to the doctors more than he hated his condition itself. 

Yukhei was there through it all, even when Jungwoo would scream and cry. Even when Jungwoo was crouched on the ground of the bathroom as he threw up for the umpteenth time that evening. Yukhei had made a promise, and he swore to god that he was going to keep that promise even if it ruined him in the end. 

**\-----**

It was on a bad day when Youngho pulled Yukhei into one of their unused practice rooms stating they needed to talk. Yukhei was on his way to get Jungwoo some decent food when the tall American had popped out of thin air and snatched Yukhei by the arm, dragging him away from the crowded dorm. 

“Hyung, what is this?” Yukhei questioned. He couldn't help but feel angry at the older boy for dragging him away when Jungwoo needed him most.

Youngho just sighed deeply as he ran a hand through his hair in distress, “We need to talk about Jungwoo.”

“What about him?” Yukhei snapped.

At this Youngho gave Yukhei an unimpressed look of warning, and Yukhei tried to lay off a bit since he really didn't feel like pissing off the older man.

“More specifically we need to talk about  _ you _ and Jungwoo,” Youngho elaborated. Yukhei just looked back at Youngho with a puzzled expression.

“What is there to talk about?”

Sighing again, Youngho looked at Yukhei unimpressed. “Are you and Jungwoo dating?” Youngho deadpanned.

Yukhei felt his jaw drop in shock, and a few moments passed by with Yukhei just staring at Youngho with his eyes as big as saucers. 

Regaining some composure Yukhei felt a flush creeping up his neck in embarrassment as he argued with Youngho. “What the hell hyung? No! Why would Jungwoo-hyung and I be dating? We're just friends, is that so hard to see?” Yukhei practically yelled, his temper running on a short fuse. 

“Listen Yukhei,” Youngho started calmly, trying to placate Yukhei so the boy would listen to what he had to say. “You can't tell me that you haven’t been spending a lot of time with Jungwoo. You guys are always eating together, sleeping together, watching T.V. together. Hell, I even see you guys holding hands sometimes.”

Yukhei felt his face grow warmer at the accusations, feeling both confused and angry at the same time. “So what?” Yukhei shouted, earning him a sharp glare from Youngho, “So what if we do all that stuff? It's just how we show our friendship! You and Taeil-hyung do the same stuff as Jungwoo and I, so who’s to say you two aren't the ones secretly dating, huh?” Youngho blinked, taken aback by the younger males comment about him and Taeil. 

“Wait, Yukhei, do you think Taeil-hyung and I are just friends?” Youngho questioned, his voice coming out soft, confusing Yukhei even more.

“Well yeah, what else are you two supposed to be?” 

“Yukhei,” Youngho said, trying his best to keep the amusement in his voice at bay. “Taeil-hyung and I are dating. We've been dating for like, a year now. Did you seriously not know?”

Yukhei thought he was going to pass out, this couldn't be right. Taeil and Youngho couldn't be dating. That wasn't possible. Not with the pressures of being an idol, not with the pressures of the world around them. It wasn't right, it was wrong. Everyone had told him it was wrong. But if it was so wrong, then why did his hyungs always look so happy when they were together? It all made sense now: the touches, the whispers, the chaste kisses on the cheek or forehead. Yukhei had been fooled by his own ignorance, and he had become oblivious to the reality around him. 

He didn't know he was crying until Youngho was standing right infront of him, arms enclosing Yukhei in a bear hug. Yukhei couldn't do anything but sob as he watched everything he'd been taught, everything he'd ever known, come crumbling to the ground at his feet. 

“Yukhei,” Youngho called out softly, “I need you to calm down. You're going to make yourself sick.” Yukhei tried to stop his heaving, and after a long 10 minutes of Youngho encouraging him to breath normally, Yukhei found himself calmed down enough to talk.

“So uh,” Youngho started awkwardly, pulling away from the embrace, “do you mind telling me what that sudden freakout was about?”

Yukhei sniffed as he looked down at his beaten up sneakers, silence filling the small workspace as Yukhei tried to find the courage to say what he'd never said before.

Sensing Yukheis hesitation, Youngho squeezed the younger boys shoulder in reassurance, trying to get Yukhei to just look him in the eyes for a minute.

“Hey, you can tell me anything, you know that right?” Youngho questioned, his voice soft as he tried to pry the truth from Yukheis mouth.

“I know hyung,” Yukhei murmured, “I've just never told this to anyone before and it's hard.” Youngho had a sinking suspicion about where this was going and he smiled sympathetically, waiting patiently for Yukhei to elaborate.

“It's just,” Yukhei started, taking a shaky breath as he finally looked Youngho in the eye. “When I lived in China, there was this boy who lived next door named Wang Yong, and we were basically best friends since birth. Yong and I spent every moment of the day with each other, we couldn't be separated. In grade 6 Yong got his first confession from a pretty girl in our class named Min. I remember being so sad and jealous over it, but was relieved when Yong turned her down saying he liked someone else.

“After that, I came to realize I liked Yong more than a friend, and I found myself thinking about holding his hand, or kissing him until my head got dizzy. My feelings scared me, terrified me even, so I kept them hidden for another year until I was 13.” Yukhei paused to catch his breath, trying to slow down his train of thought so that Youngho could actually understand him.

“It was the last day of grade 7 when Yong told me that he liked me, and I honestly almost passed out. I was so happy, it was the happiest day of my life. After that Yong and I dated, but he told me we had to keep it a secret from everyone because they wouldn't understand…” Yukhei trailed off, feeling the hot pressure behind his eyes as he recounted the next part of his story.

“We were in my room on a hot summer day, and we weren't doing anything buy laying on my bed and playing video games together. But then Yong rolled over and kissed me, and I kissed him back. We were both so caught up in eachother that neither of us heard the sound of my father's footsteps coming up the stairs. We didn't even notice he was in the room until he screamed.” At this point Yukhei was crying again, his past so painful and hard to relive.

“He screamed at us, calling us horrible names. My dad told us we were sinners, a disgrace to our families. He threw Yong out of the house immediately, banning him from ever coming near me or my family again and I cried through the whole thing. Yong couldn't fight back if he tried, he was too small, and I couldn't fight back because it was my own father who I loved more than anything. Things didn't get really bad until my dad slammed the door in Yongs face. H-he turned around and just slapped me right across the face. He kept hitting me for what seemed like ages, and I just took it, I thought I deserved it.” Yukhei wailed, his body no longer able to hold him up under all the stress. Youngho rushed to the younger, pulling him into his arms and holding him tightly while he grieved. 

“He never stopped hyung,” Yukhei cried, “he never stopped hurting me until I left for Korea. I spent my whole life being taught that my feelings were wrong, that I was broken and disgusting. I don't know what to do with my feelings, I don't know anything at all anymore.”

Youngho couldn't do anything but hold Yukhei tighter as he tried to contain his own tears. “You aren't broken Yukhei, you aren't disgusting or wrong for liking boys. It doesn't matter if you like girls or guys, all that matters is that you're being true to yourself and that you're happy. Fuck everyone else ok? They aren't you. They don't get to dictate how you live your life, and if they have a problem with it, then they can come talk to me or Taeil, or any of your hyungs for a matter of fact.” Youngho paused his rant to gently stroke Yukheis matted hair, the boy had sacrificed so much for them, for Jungwoo. He didn't deserve this.

“It's ok to be gay,” Youngho stated firmly, “It's ok to be queer or anything of the like. You aren't a monster Yukhei, you're a just an ordinary boy. A boy who likes other boys, and that's ok.”

Yukhei sniffed as he timidly looked into Youngho’s eyes, “I'm scared hyung, I'm scared the others won't accept me for who I am. I don't want them to treat me differently just because I'm… gay.”

Youngho let out a light chuckle, his eyes shining just a little, “Yukhei, I came out to all the trainees when I was your age, and not a single one of them had anything bad to say about it. They were extremely supportive of me, and i know they'd be supportive of you too. You don't have to be afraid Yukhei, we’re your friends, your family. We would never hurt you like that.”

Yukhei hiccuped as he clung to Youngho for dear life, crying as he let all his bottled up feelings fly away with the wind. 

“Thank you hyung,” Yukhei whispered, “Thank you for everything.” 

“Anything for my favourite little brother,” Youngho chuckled, ruffling the strands of Yukheis already messy hair. “Don't tell Mark I said that though, he might get jealous,” Youngho smirked and Yukhei let out a quiet giggle.

“Don't worry, I wont tell him, my lips are sealed.”

“Good. Now let's get off this filthy floor and find something to eat, I believe a certain someone is waiting for you back at the dorm,” the American boy winked as he stood up, dusting off his pants before offering Yukhei his hand.

“Stop it you're embarrassing me,” Yukhei whined, taking the older boys hand and hoisting himself up. Youngho just laughed at Yukheis pout as he opened the door, gesturing for Yukhei to lead the way back to the crowded dorms. 

Yukhei walked out of that room feeling more relieved than he had felt in years.

Maybe things were going to be ok after all.

**\------**

When Youngho and Yukhei got back to the dorm it was bustling with hungry boys and loud voices arguing over one another, which most definitely indicated that Taeyong was setting the table for dinner. Youngho walked by Yukhei and jerked his head in the direction of the kitchen, indicating for Yukhei to follow him into the war zone.  

Yukhei entered the crowded kitchen in haste, grabbing a plate full of food all while avoiding Mark and Donghyuck’s flying elbows as they fought over who got the last bit of pork. The chaos in the room was so bad that Yukhei almost missed the light tugging on the back of his jacket. 

Thinking it was Jisung or another younger member who wanted to steal his share of food, Yukhei braced himself, ready to guard his food with his life if absolutely necessary. Yukhei almost dropped his precious food when he turned around only to see Jungwoo sitting at the dining room table, hair looking like a rats nest and eyes fuzzy with sleep. 

Jungwoo's disheveled appearance didn't phase Yukhei at all. He was too focused on the small smile Jungwoo gave him as he slipped his small hand into Yukhei’s larger one, making the Chinese man's heart soar. Jungwoo dragged Yukhei to the suspiciously empty seat beside him, which Yukhei thought the older must have saved for him (if Jeno’s borderline murderous glare at the poor chair was anything to go by).

Once Yukhei was seated, Jungwoo didn’t make a move to let go of Yukhei’s hand, and the younger found himself giddy at the small gesture of affection. Yukhei shot the older boy a blinding smile as he began to eat with his unoccupied hand, finding comfort in Jungwoo’s presence despite the absolute mess that was the kitchen. 

“You feeling better?” Yukhei questioned in between bites of food, trying (and failing) to not blatantly stare at Jungwoo’s lips as he bit them in contemplation.

“Just a little bit,” Jungwoo said softly, his quiet whisper almost getting lost in the sea of loud voices around them, “I was kind of sad when I woke up and you weren't there anymore.” The elder pouted cutely and Yukhei let out a bubbly giggle at how adorable it made Jungwoo look. Squeezing the older boys hand in reassurance, Yukhei placed down his chopsticks before turning to face Jungwoo.

“Don't be sad hyung, I'm never far away, all you have to do is say the word and I'll be there,” Yukhei said before shifting his body so that their shoulders were almost touching. Instead of responding, Jungwoo just leaned closer to Yukhei so that his head was resting on the taller boys shoulder. The action made Yukhei’s heart flutter, and he practically beamed as he nuzzled his cheek against the crown of Jungwoo's head.

The two of them spent the rest of dinner like that; cuddled up against one another in comfortable silence, despite the mayhem going on around them. From the corner of his eye Yukhei could see Jaemin making kissy faces at him and Jungwoo, while Chenle stood nearby dramatically pretending to throw up all over a very distressed looking Mark. Yukhei ignored the younger boy’s antics as he felt Jungwoo press even closer into his side, making Yukheis heart skip a beat for what felt like the hundredth time that evening.

It was then that Yukhei realized that what he felt for Jungwoo wasn’t exactly what regular friends felt for eachother. The tug in his chest whenever Jungwoo flirted with anyone other than him was not normal, and the way his heart raced whenever Jungwoo was close by was anything but platonic. Yukhei didn't want to protect and love the other trainees like he did with Jungwoo, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Jungwoo if he could. 

Those thoughts alone should have terrified Yukhei, but surprisingly, they didn't. Yukhei found he could care less about whatever had held him back from his feelings for Jungwoo in the past. Youngho was right. It didn't matter if he liked a girl or a guy, all that mattered was that he was happy and that he was being true to himself. And right now, while holding Jungwoo close to his chest, Yukhei felt happier than he had in months.

Yukhei promised to himself right then and there that he would make Jungwoo his one day. Even if that day never came, he would wait.

\------

It happened on a sunny day in May.

The trainees had a rare day off and were left to their own devices, and everyone had split off to do their own thing. Yukhei and Jungwoo decided to take a walk in the park together, both having spent way too much time under the bright fluorescents of the practice room to be considered healthy. 

It felt nice having the sun on their skin for once, the warm weather making their bodies pleasantly warm as they walked side by side in comfortable silence. Jungwoo had reached for Yukheis hand as soon as they stepped foot outside of the dorm. Holding hands had become a regular occurrence of sorts between the two boys, and Yukhei would never admit it but, holding Jungwoo’s hand was more often than not the highlight of his day. The older boy was humming a soft Korean ballad as he swung their intertwined hands between them, and Yukhei couldn't help but smile adoringly at Jungwoo as they continued to walk down the winding dirt path. 

“Yukhei, you're staring,” Jungwoo teased with no real bite to his words.

“How could I not stare at someone as beautiful as you?” Yukhei said casually, still staring at Jungwoo while they walked.

Jungwoo blushed and ducked his head down, trying to hide the embarrassing flush that adorned his cheeks. “Shut up, I hate you so much,” Jungwoo grumbled as he followed Yukhei along the path, eyes focused on the ground beneath his feet. 

“No you don't,” Yukhei grinned, resisting the urge to coo at the flustered boy, “you love me.”

Jungwoo prayed to god that Yukhei didn't notice how his breath caught in his throat, or the way he faltered in his steps at the words. Shyly glancing up at the younger through his bangs, Jungwoo gripped Yukhei’s hand a little tighter when he saw the other staring at him unabashedly.

“I really do,” Jungwoo whispered, causing Yukhei to halt his walking suddenly. 

“What did you just say?” Yukhei questioned, wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him again. Jungwoo looked up at the tree they were standing under, feigning interest in the budding leaves in order to avoid Yukhei’s heavy gaze for as long as possible. Yukhei just smiled brighter at Jungwoo’s actions and moved to grab the elders other hand, holding it tenderly in his own.

Jungwoo forced himself to look at Yukhei and felt his face burn even more at the dumb grin Yukhei was sporting. “I said I love you,” Jungwoo muttered, saying the words so fast they were practically unintelligible. Yukhei took a step closer, leaning in so his face was right in front of Jungwoo's.

“I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that, could you repeat it?” Yukhei teased while smirking at the smaller boy. Jungwoo whined in protest at Yukhei’s teasing, trying to duck his head away from Yukhei and his stupid, pretty face. 

“Nevermind, I didn't say anything.” Jungwoo stated firmly as he tried to gain his composure. Yukhei pulled back at the words, clicking his tongue disapprovingly. 

“Alright, if you say so. Let's get going, I hear there a par-” 

He was abruptly cut off by a pair of soft lips painfully crashing against his own, and Yukhei had to quickly catch himself from almost toppling over from the sheer force of Jungwoo smashing their lips together. 

Despite the initial pain, it felt nice, Yukhei thought to himself. Jungwoo’s lips were soft and moved effortlessly against Yukheis own, making the younger desperate to deepen the kiss. Yukhei made a small noise in the back of his throat as he licked tentatively at Jungwoo’s bottom lip, only to be met with the sweet taste of the strawberry bubblegum Jungwoo had been chewing earlier. The older boy complied easily to Yukheis request and hummed happily when Yukhei began to eagerly explore every square inch of his mouth. 

There weren't any fireworks or sparks like they talked about in all those cheesy dramas Jungwoo liked to watch, but the Chinese boy felt his limbs tingle pleasantly as his heart practically combusted in his chest. He had wanted this for so long, and Yukhei could feel the blood in his veins come alive with a burning passion that only existed for Jungwoo.

After a few moments, Jungwoo went to pull away, but was quickly drawn back into another kiss as Yukhei moved to cradle Jungwoo's face in his large hands. This kiss was much softer than the first. It held all of the hidden feelings and emotions that had been kept a secret for so long, and Yukhei could feel Jungwoo smile contentedly against his lips as they kissed languidly. They moved together fluidly, like one being, and Yukhei mused that his mouth must have been created for the sole purpose of kissing Jungwoo and nothing else.

They boys pulled apart gasping for air, both of them thoroughly out of breath and flushed a bright red. Yukhei thought Jungwoo had never looked better, his lips slightly swollen and tinted a delicious cherry colour, hair slightly disheveled and cheeks dusted with the prettiest shade of pink. 

Jungwoo was absolutely glowing, and his eyes gleamed along with the blinding spring sun. Yukhei couldn't help but smile as he rejoined their hands once again, pushing a strand of stray hair back behind Jungwoo’s ear.

“You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that,” Jungwoo said breathlessly while leaning into the hand Yukhei was still caressing through his hair. 

“I bet you ten bucks I've been waiting even longer,” Yukhei said jokingly, earning him an eyeroll from the older. 

“Whatever you big nerd,” Jungwoo giggled as he swayed back and forth happily.

“Yeah, but I'm your nerd right?” Yukhei asked, wide eyes searching Jungwoo’s as if he held all the answers to the universe. 

Jungwoo just laughed gleefully, eyes crinkling as he pressed a chaste kiss to Yukhei’s lips. “Of course,” Jungwoo smiled as he pressed his forehead against Yukheis, “I wouldn't want to live in a world where I didn't get to call you mine.”

The confession made Yukhei burst into a fit of joyous laughter as he wrapped his long arms around Jungwoo’s slim waist, effortlessly spinning the boy around in glee while Jungwoo squawked in protest. 

Somewhere in the distance, a person - who just so happened to sound  _ exactly  _ like Dongyoung - screamed out, “Holy fuck! They actually did it!” 

The statement was followed by several celebratory shouts, and the new couple turned in the direction of the comotion curiously. There, only a few feet away, stood all of their friends cheering and hollering at Yukhei and Jungwoo. 

Realizing that everyone had seen the entire confession, Jungwoo whined and pressed his burning face into Yukheis chest which was vibrating with laughter. Their friends ran at them, practically tackling the pair to the ground out of pure excitement. 

“It took you guys long enough,” Jaehyung said, shaking his head in amusement. 

Jungwoo laughed at the elders statement, “Yeah? Then why haven't you asked out Taey-” Jungwoo's taunting voice was cut off as Jaehyun tackled him to the ground, frantically telling the younger to shut up before he regretted it. 

Yukhei just looked fondly at his friends, seeing them all together and laughing made his heart feel like it was going to burst. 

Youngho slid up beside Yukhei and slung an arm over his shoulder. “I told you everything would be ok kid,” Youngho said while flashing Yukhei a shit eating grin, his tone conveying an unsaid ‘I told you so’. 

Youngho  _ was _ right. 

Everything was more than ok, and Yukhei couldn't have been happier standing outside on that spring day, surrounded by his friends, his family, his whole world. 

Things weren't always perfect, and as the days progressed Yukhei knew that new challenges awaited him. But Yukhei decided that with Jungwoo by his side, he’d gladly take on whatever the world had to throw at him. 

As long as he had Jungwoo, everything would be alright.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this! It took me a while, but I finally finished and it's all thanks to my friends Nat and Jo.
> 
> Jo, aka Taeyong 2.0, I love you more than words my little fluffy ball of sunshine. Thank you for being my biggest hype-man and screaming at me to stop writing angst for once. Without you this fic probably would have ended in angst, just a fyi. Your encouragement and enthusiasm for my writing is what drove me to finish this.
> 
> Nat, aka the worlds biggest Ten lover, I hope I did your man justice. I'm sorry I made it lowkey Jaeyong and not Taeten, plz don't beat my ass. Without your love for writing or passion for NCT, I probably wouldn't have been able to post this.
> 
> Also Jungwoo's condition is TLE (Temporal Lobe Epilepsy), which is a nervous system disorder that causes unprovoked focal seizures in the temporal lobe part of the brain. These seizures only last a minute or two and can take form in focal aware seizures, where one's consciousness is not impacted by the seizure (what Jungwoo has), or focal impaired awareness seizures (which are much worse). Treatment for TLE includes anticonvulsants and even surgery, but there is no actual cure for TLE as of right now.
> 
> Some symptoms of TLE and focal aware seizures include: amnesia, fear, anxiety, nausea, hallucinations, dissociation and dysphoric/euphoric feelings (anger, sadness, happiness, fear)
> 
> I hoped you enjoyed my first fanfiction!
> 
> Follow me on twitter @liontheerin and yell at me thx


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